Farnsworth and Katz guest appearance
GOLD MEDAL FLOUR COMEDY HOUR
TONY ALTMAN: The Gold Medal Flour Comedy Hour presents Soupy Farnsworth and Bobby Katz!
(fanfare and applause)
F&K: Hiya, Tony!
TONY: Hello, Soupy, Bobby... Say, you boys look happy.
SOUPY: Of course we're happy, Tony. Thanks to NBC.
TONY: What do you mean?
BOBBY: Aw, Tony. Don't be modest. It was swell of you network guys to set up valet parking just for us! Like we're a couple of big shots or something!
TONY: Valet parking?
SOUPY: Sure.. and imagine! Getting us reservations at Ciro's... for a price.. Not that we mind, of course. Bobby!
SOUPY: Did you give the man the money for the reservation?
BOBBY: Sure did, Soupy. All $200. He said for that price, he'd give us the works.
TONY: You boys sure were given the works! We have no valet parking and we never set up a reservation for you at Ciro's!
BOBBY: We've been had!
SOUPY: That's okay. The joke's on the thief..
TONY: How, Soupy?
SOUPY: We stole that car yesterday.
BOBBY: And the $200!
(Soupy slaps Bobby)
TONY: Now you boys have been in pictures for almost six years now and...
SOUPY: Most people would agree that's six years too long.
TONY: Soupy, six years isn't long at all!
SOUPY: Oh no? Do you know what six years is in dog years?
SOUPY: Well, that makes two of us. But I do know that Rin Tin Tin has been in pictures twice as long as we have and earns three times our salaries which means that.. uh.. considering that a dog year is twice a human year, it means that.. uh.. Rin Tin Tin has actually been in films half as long as we have and still earns a third more.. What this means is that I'm my own grandfather and that dog has a better agent!
BOBBY: But, Soupy, I'm our agent!
SOUPY: There's my argument..
BOBBY: You big cheese! Why don't you pull your lower lip over your head and swallow?
SOUPY: I'm allergic to cheese!
TONY: Take it easy, boys, take it easy.. Now, I hear that you and the rest of the team have a new film in the works for Millennia Pictures.
SOUPY: Sure do, Tony. It's called College Daze.. a college picture, and it takes place at Hillside University.. Good old HU.. MMPH! Hey! Hey! What's the big idea sticking that handkerchief in my face, Bobby?
BOBBY: You sneezed...
SOUPY: I did not sneeze!
BOBBY: Yes you did!
SOUPY: No I didn't.. All I said was "good old HU".. MMMPH!
BOBBY: Now blow..
SOUPY: Knock it off, will you? Put that away! Stop it! I didn't sneeze! I said "H.U." MMPH!
SOUPY: Stop it! Now look, Bobby. I may be fighting a losing battle, but I'm going to try to educate you. H.U. are initials. The first letter is `H', the second is `U'.
BOBBY: The second is who?
SOUPY: Not who.. `U'!
SOUPY: No! The second letter is `U'! The letter `U'!
BOBBY: The letter I what?
SOUPY: Not the letter 'I', the letter 'U'!
BOBBY: What are you going on about, Soupy? What letter?
SOUPY: The letter `U'!
BOBBY: Why can't you complete a sentence?
SOUPY: Take it easy, son. Calm down.. Now listen.. "U" is a letter.. right?
BOBBY: I'm a letter?
SOUPY: What's wrong with you? I asked you if "U" is a letter!
BOBBY: Why don't you speak proper English? Didn't reform school teach you anything?
SOUPY: I am using proper English! "U" is a letter. I'm asking you if you can tell me if 'U' is a letter!
BOBBY: I think you're getting a little confused, Soup. You mean "You are a letter." "Are".. not "is". Which hardy matters because it doesn't make much sense, anyways!
SOUPY: What's wrong with "'U' is a letter?"
BOBBY: It's poor English.. It's like saying "I is a letter."
SOUPY: But 'I' is a letter!
BOBBY: So you're a letter, too?
SOUPY: 2 isn't a letter! It's a number!
BOBBY: (pause) You're ill, Soupy... No wonder you're sneezing so much. Why don't you go a nap? A permanent one, preferably.
SOUPY: I am not sick! Listen! H.U. are the initials for Hillside University.. Hillside.. "H".. University.. "U"… Get it?
BOBBY: Why didn't you say so in the first place?
SOUPY: So as I was saying, much of College Daze is being shot at H.U.. MMPHH!! HEY HEY! CUT IT OUT! STOP IT! I didn't say "achoo!", I said "H.U."!!
BOBBY: You must have an awful cold, Soupy! I wonder what made you so sick..
SOUPY: Take a wild guess, midget!
(slapping routine/ sustained laughter)
(Bobby runs off-stage)
SOUPY: Where's my hat? Where's my hat??
TONY: Well, there he goes...
SOUPY: Don't worry, I'll take care of him later.
TONY: Well, why you two try to patch things up, we'll turn now to the sounds of Ramon Navarro and his Orchestra and "Perfidia"!
(applause/ segue into song)